always in my heart

       It's not Wednesday, and this is not a book review. This is a special post.

       Last night at 10:45 PM, my grandmother passed away. She was diagnosed with small-cell lung cancer last September. Small-cell is a very rapid moving form of cancer, we knew chances were slim. Still, my grandmother has always been a survivor, I had no doubt that she would get through this okay. She made it through a horrific car accident years back. She had the doctors tell her that she would never walk again. She most certainly proved them wrong then, and I thought she'd prove them wrong now. 

       The thing is, she did prove them wrong. Two weeks ago she was cleared. She beat the cancer. Everything was good. Two weeks ago we were trying on funny hats and sunglasses in Target. Eating jellybeans and other sweets she wasn't supposed to be having. Laughing and joking. Painting her nails. Discussing our reality TV shows. Everything was good until she started coughing. We thought she had a cold. My brother had bronchitis so we thought it best to bring her in to the doctors, just to be safe.

       They couldn't figure out what was wrong for a while, but they assured us she was okay. Then she got worse. She couldn't breathe. They told us they were going to medically induce a coma and it scared the hell out of me. When my uncle passed away a few years ago they medically induced a coma and we never got to speak to him again. That was it. We rushed into the hospital to say goodbye without really saying goodbye, just in case. She ended up waking up. Being asleep allowed them to do more testing on her. She had some rare strand of pneumonia. 

       She was getting better again. They moved her out of the ICU. Everything was okay. We could all breathe easy. Then, just as fast as the first time, they had to move her back into the ICU. The doctors assured us that she would be okay this time too. They had just moved her out too soon. She needed to be in a place where people could keep a better eye on her, that was all.

       When I went in to see her last Sunday I had no idea it would be the last time I'd get to speak to her. We thought things were going good again. She was joking around and laughing as usual. She was very much herself. Monday night the doctors called us and told us they medically induced her into a coma again. There was no time for us to come in and say goodbye this time.

       For some reason, I wasn't as worried this time as I was the last. I thought this would be the same. No big deal. I was wrong to feel that way. Her kidneys started to fail and her lungs were beginning to harden. She expressed to my mother that she in no way wanted to be kept alive by a machine. Last night my mother and father went to the hospital to shut them off because the doctors said there wasn't anything else they could do. She died in about thirty seconds.

       This is why I'm more upset than I think I would normally be. These past seven months I have been so depressed with her being sick. I was expecting it to end badly the entire time. I know I should be more hopeful in those kinds of situations, but my track record with sickness hasn't led me to believe such. I finally felt relieved two weeks ago. I was happier than I have been in quite some time. That's why this is hitting me so hard. It's just not fair. Out of the blue.

       She was an amazing woman, my grandmother. She had been through a lot but still remained the happy, spirited woman I knew her to be. Her entire life was a struggle, since the moment her biological mother threw her away when she was a newborn. She was the kind of woman that would buy a card just to say I'm thinking about you, and I love you. I've got all those cards put away in a safe place.

       I've come to realize that she actually had more people waiting for her Up There, than she did here. My aunt, two uncles, my grandfather, all of her best friends (save for two), her mother, her few fathers, her cousins, two nephews, her dog and her cat. Here she just had me, my brother and my parents.

       I assume there's a big party going on Up There at the moment. She always did like to dance.

       I hope there's a Barnes & Noble Up There, too. She wanted me to publish my book more than anything. She asked me about it every single day. Just for you, Nan, I'm not going to stop until I get there.